Well, I'm back from the west coast with many blogs a bubbling in my mind. I could write about Michael Jackson or Farrah Fawcett, or the drama of John and Kate Plus 8. I could share with you insights from my students at the Oregon Extension Women's Studies May Term. And I may do all of that in the coming weeks.
But for now, I'd like to get a little closer to home. Well, actually, as close as you can get.
The news is that yesterday my partner and I closed on our first home. This means that in the 8 years that we've known each other, we will be living in the same semi-permanent residence for the first time. (Well, actually, last April was when we started living together long-term, but we were still renting, and for us, this was like the 15th place we've rented since college.)
We are totally psyched. However, with every big decision in life, the Nosy Onlookers must ask their prying questions. For years, it was "When are you getting married?" Then it was, "When are you and Joe going to live in the same state?" Now, the question we get at just about every wedding we attend is, "When are you having children?"
I have several qualms with this question, but my main qualm is that the question (and the others before it) is based on the assumption that we've already decided to have kids. The matter is simply "when."
For us, this is not the case. We are still wrestling with the decision of whether to have children at all. And the problem with the question is that it assumes an agreed upon normalcy for married folks. It's "normal" to have children, just like it was supposed to be "normal" that we live together after we get married. (When we didn't live together consistently, because of jobs and grad school, the Nosy Onlookers had a canary.)
In the Second Wave of feminism, women tried to redefine "normal." They said that it wasn't necessarily "normal" for a woman to stay home and raise her children. Maybe there was another option available. Now, contemporary feminists are asking similar questions. What if it's OK to remain single? To adopt? To decide not to have children? To have a same-sex life partner?
So, for now, my partner and I will ignore the gossipers and do our own thing, which is really what we've been doing all along.
And in the meantime, here's a video of our first day moving into the new house, when our dog jumped over a brick wall to a fifteen foot drop below. He was thankfully unscathed by the whole ordeal, but perhaps this is just another sign that we're not quite ready for the responsibility of children!
The leap (although because I'm looking at the view, Gus is just a blur)...
He really was completely OK. Thank God! :)
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En İyi Kaçak Bahis Siteleri
2 months ago
3 comments:
Congratulations on the home-buying. People have continually asked Ken and me inappropriate questions, too. Perhaps the most inappropriate was whether we were getting married because I was pregnant, which evidently was suspicious since we were 22 and 21. The questions about pregnancy are rude and intrusive. I have several friends who are struggling with the heartbreak of infertility, and when people put such questions to them, it brings up anguish that is definitely not the business of a third party. I think that moving toward a feminist ideal of respecting individual choices about reproduction is the way to go. It's humane, it's polite.
Glad you're back on the East coast, and glad that Gus survived his ordeal...
I had the same experience as Tenacious V. Perhaps because I got married young (especially by Boston standards) or maybe because I look very young, I always got that "are you pregnant?" question, even from complete strangers (!) when I was engaged. And now that we've been married almost two years, the baby questions are circulating. When we tell people we are saving up to buy a house, people always say to us, "oh, you must be looking outside the city so you can have kids." Well, what if we want to STAY in the city, and what if we're OK raising children -- should we have them -- in the city, too? I think moving toward a feminist ideal around reproduction would include not only accepting that some women can't or don't want to conceive, but ALSO that women who DO want children shouldn't have to compromise their work life, homes or marriage the way we're sometimes taught we must. The choice shouldn't be "daycare or stay at home," and that's one of the reasons I chose my current workplace -- they offer alternate work schedules that allow women to pursue their careers and BE WOMEN. Many parents here split "stay at home" time with their spouses or partners, and I'd probably choose that approach too. As women we need to help advocate for these kinds of choices and accommodations -- the same ones men have always gotten --in pursuit of truly fair treatment.
Great comments, T & A! It was comforting to hear your parallel experiences. A -- I love the sound of your workplace's policy. Very refreshing.
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